Day 84: Carding

Imagine you wake up
With a second chance: The blue jay
hawks his pretty wares
and the oak still stands, spreading
glorious shade. If you don't look back,

the future never happens.
How good to rise in sunlight,
in the prodigal smell of biscuits--
eggs and sausage on the grill.
The whole sky is yours

to write on, blown open
to a blank page. Come on,
shake a leg! You never know
who's down there, frying those eggs,
if you don't get up and see.

- Rita Dove, "Dawn Revisited"

Nothing makes me anxious in quite the same way as the act of writing Christmas cards. Not because it is an obligation-- rather, because it is an opportunity to organize my love for other people. I always sit down optimistic, listing out my friends from each stage of my life, flooding myself with gratitude for how many good people I have known. I try to communicate this in a few sentences-- the pride I have in each person, the luck, the thankfulness. With every card I write I feel more urgency to be sincere.

And yet, at the same time, I know that Christmas cards are a corny cop-out. I should (should, should, should) have been writing to everyone all year, longer things, with promises of visits, and a demonstrative interest in everyday life, unprompted by materialistic traditions. I know that no one actually accomplishes this, and that in these times of facebook and chain emails, I'm trying to sustain more friendships than is humanely possible. But I want to, and so my short snowflakey-love notes freeze over into a general guilt and anxiety. This is all exacerbated by the fact that just a few months ago I moved away from my closest friends, and I feel estranged. One of said friends recently wrote an email saying, "I can't imagine your life now," and I thought, "Can I? Or is it just happening, sliding by without my noticing?"

The only conclusion I can reach is that this anxiety itself is good. Though I do hope my friends and family feel happy when they receive my attempts at sincerity, I know that the act of writing and sending cards is just as important for the sender. I am reminded, again and again, of all the good people in my life, who will hopefully forgive my worries and write back.